Open Letter #03

Dear Ladies,

You are not experts on the inner-mechanics of the male mind. Decades of effort, experience, study, and time will never be sufficient to become an expert on the subject of men. You may have seen it all, but I promise that you will never decipher the true motivation that lies behind male behavior. I realize that there is money to be made on the subject; I’ve seen more than a few examples in periodicals and there is an entire industry dedicated toward women that claim to have secrets when it comes to men. Conferences, lectures, seminars, and nonfiction literature based solely upon the premise that a woman can synchronize herself with one of the most alien creatures she will ever encounter. This is bullshit and it is hilarity.

I am aware of the reason that menstruation occurs. I’ve studied the mechanics of how it occurs. Given the motivation to do so, I can likely spin a tale of bullshit that will lend the impression that I can relate to and empathize with the women that are forced to experience menstruation. This does not mean that I can be an expert on the subject. It does not mean that I am able to truly understand experiences that accompanies a menstrual cycle. I know that a ricockulous amount of pressure is placed upon women to appear attractive. I know that there is a direct correlation between a woman’s aesthetic beauty and her likelihood of success. I have seen first-hand how women that do not live up to this standard are not even treated as people by far too many others (including other women.) This does not provide an insight into the experiences. I will not even delve into single motherhood.

With all of this (and more) on the shoulders of women, some care to take it upon themselves to exert their so-called empowerment and unearth the mysteries of the male mind. This is a source of amusement to nearly every man on the planet, because a woman has as many insider secrets as to the male mind as I have on the subjects of menstruation, childbirth, the pressures to be attractive, and single motherhood when it comes to women.

Here is a bit of advice: if another woman offers an explanation as to the behavior of men, dismiss it immediately.

I have twenty-six years of experience with an inherent male psyche. I am comfortable with utilizing this, as it is all that I have ever known. This gives credence to the idea that I am qualified to speak on the subject of motivations behind male behavior, whereas no woman on Earth can say the same. I do not care if you are bull-dykes, tomboys, or have had surgical procedures to create an approximation of a penis. You cannot match my credentials.

I realize that a lot of women are curious as to the male mind, and I am willing to do each of you a favor. I will debunk a number of myths to better aid you in understanding the men in your life. If you have questions, I am more than willing to answer them. Leave a comment and I will do so posthaste.

01 | Why men cheat on their partners.

Other women will attempt to attribute this to insecurity or an inability to truly commit. This is bullshit. Men cheat because they like to have sex. Insecure men are the ones that claim to be better than they are. They will overstate their positive traits and talents, their skills and abilities. If a man is able to secure sex on a regular basis with multiple women, there is no cause for insecurity. The only negative emotion a man will experience in his dick-giving career is the potential hassle he will have to endure as a result of his infidelity. If he were the sort of man to regret cheating, he wouldn’t be cheating in the first place. The only method to prevent a man with a predisposition toward cheating from doing so is to make it so that it is not worth the hassle that will result from it. Refer to John Dunne was Full of Shit and You are Beautiful, then find new partners. You can do better, ladies.

02 | Why men treat others like garbage.

You allow them to. Develop a spine and require them to shape up or ship out. That is all there is to it.

03 | Men are terrified to have emotions.

This is a bit of a secret, so keep it on the down-low: most men find emotions to be private affairs. I wouldn’t weep in front of others any more than I would be willing to plop my cock onto the kitchen table for people to admire. If men do not care to share their emotional states, then allow them to handle their business in private. Every time you insist that a man shares his feelings, it is an invasion of privacy.

04 | Why men answer ‘nothing’ when asked what is on their mind.

This is a stupid question. We answer ‘nothing’ because there is not a damned thing on our minds. It is called observation. Memorize this watchword. Our eyes will flick over the potted plants, see nothing interesting. No thoughts emerge. Move to light switch, same thing. Carpet, Aunt Joy’s purse, television with NFL play-offs, and back to the potted plant. Not a single thing of interest will have been seen. Why would thoughts emerge from this.

Once something of interest has been seen, then it is when thoughts will begin to pop up. “Damn, Elaina has a nice ass.” “Hah, Jack is such an asshole.” “I wonder if I could baptize a cat.” Expecting men to have abstract thoughts when not responding to external stimuli is both silly and weird.

05 | How men are able to move from relationship to relationship so easily.

You are fucking insane if you think men will worship you. You are not Aphrodite and you are not Venus. Stop expecting to be treated as such.

Men are in relationships because it makes them happy. You are co-creators of this happiness, contributing an approximation of half the raw material. Men that are happy in relationships while actively aware that their partners are not are either assholes or sadists. If a relationship fails to achieve that basic purpose, it fails to be worth keeping. If for whatever reason it seems unlikely that happiness can be restored, men move on and start fresh.

It is at this point that you become lessons learned. You will be remembered for one reason or another, either fondly or with rancor. You will have served to better refine his understanding of what makes him happy and what he wants out of a relationship. You will have helped him learn what is to be avoided in the future in order to maintain the happiness that is the sole reason to be in a relationship. You are an ex-girlfriend. Just deal with it.

You can also continue to believe that you are entitled to cult-worship and are owed his affection and attention. This is not insane in the slightest. :)